should girls be watching spongebob squarepants?

fuck no they shouldn’t! why? the evidence is all here, in this blog post i swiped from a man named Iaz. for the past few weeks i’ve been keeping a watchful eye on this guy’s blog. his real name is Tobias, and he lives in Upstate NY. he changed his name to Tobiaz, and then eventually just Iaz.he’s a masterful musician and wordsmith.

the reason i’m posting this is because I think everyone should a) hear about the dangers of girls watching this god damn talking sponge, and b) i think everyone should be reading and listening to a man that I consider to be a beacon of light in a dark, dark time.

without further ado, i give you IAZ!

“3/31 – Iaz says no to girls watching “Spongebob Squarepants”!

What’s up – Looks like Iaz is not a fan at all of the Nickelodeon cartoon “Spongebob Squarepants” The song about abuse in the family and with the parents of two kids was illustrated in the song 39-6 “Boy plus girl equals relationship” I think people in Caffe Lena’s Open Mic understood in fast fashion I’m not on the “Spongebob Squarepants” train trying to cite that the cartoon is more for boys and I want to see boys watch this.

Iaz faulted the cartoon in the song using the character “Alissa” saying how she was obsessed and her parents couldn’t be bothered with their kids. With Iaz’s leaning favoritism towards girls this is one cartoon I don’t want girls to think is going to give them something of substance. Girls don’t need a lousy cartoon like “Spongebob Squarepants” that is the most justifying thing on tv next to those money cows of Disney. Spongebob like Bob the builder is for boys.

I’m disgusted that girls like this cartoon. Even more disgusting that little kids actually watch this. This seems to be Nickeldeon’s way of becoming the next “Disney” with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. There is that one cartoon character that a company is built around. As for the dreaded “Kids Choice Awards” Iaz thinks it is one of the worst award series on tv up there with Fox’s annoying “Teen Choice Awards” Nickelodeon has become a washed up company that has seen plenty of strike outs and they hide behind mega media powerhouse “Viacom” I’m sticking the brakes on “Spongebob Squarepants” before it gets out of control.

If I had a little girl this is one cartoon I would not let her watch. Kids don’t need to be obsessed with tv it is one thing if they watch something that is decent but “Spongebob Squarepants” wants to be like the new “Rugrats” for Nickelodeon. The officials at “Nickelodeon” understand what they are doing. This is by far one of the worst cartoons I’ve seen shoved in kids faces up there with the likes of the factory that is Disney. Girls are innocent they don’t need this talking sponge to drown their minds.

Boys can watch this but girls I say no!”

So yeah…as you can see…Spongebob Squarepants must be destroyed.

For more from Iaz, visit http://www.myspace.com/iazmusic. Make sure to check out Tobiaz’s music too, you won’t regret it.

the numbing

take from me everything for which i care
i care for naught
and it’s not that i don’t feel
but i feel sometimes that perhaps,
perhaps the world doesn’t revolve around me.

this leaves me sober, alone, and thinking
so grab a bottle, a jacket, and let the numbing sink in.

The ‘Partment – The Intromercial

Kelly and Mateo decide to try to find a way to beat the recession. Ryan does not approve.

kelly and mateo’s super fun party mixtape volume one

hey guys

here’s the first installation of the Kelly and Mateo’s Super Fun Party Mixtape. 12 tracks of party music for party people. click the picture to download the mixtape and lookout for a new mixtape right here every month. we’re going to start a group website in the next few months when we all get settled into the house, but for now me and my hetero lifemate kelly mcdermid are doing this mixtape every month. song suggestions? leave ‘em in a comment. we’re down for new music too. this may lead to a podcast in the next few months as well, so keep tuning in.

 

1. Notorious BIG
Party And Bullshit (Ratatat Remix)
Ratatat Remixes Vol. 2

KM: Biggie’s got two appearances on the list this time around and there is a reason for it. He was the king of super fun party songs, Ratatat remixed it just to make sure everyone was on the same page. 

MV: Ratatat remixed this Biggie classic because they are the hardest white boys to come out of Crown Heights. Alright fine, they’re skinny, long haired indie kids who couldn’t take Clay Aiken in a fight, but still…the track is fire.

2. DJ Benzi ft. Wale + Brother Ali
2nd Time Around
The New Deal Mixtape

KM: This is the type of song you can listen to on the way home from the party. Drunk, yelling the lines you know, faking the rest. A great feeling cool song.

MV: Brother Ali says fuck you to today’s hip hop bigshots. Wale rhymes osmosis with halitosis. You do the math. 

3. The Decemberists
Valerie Plame
Always The Bridesmaid EP

MV: Honestly I hated this dude’s voice when I first heard the Decemberists a couple years ago. But I went to school where everyone constantly sucked this band’s dick and of course now I love them. Not to mention this track is about a covert CIA agent who was the asshole heading up the Joint Task Force on Iraq. You know, the one that was supposed to uncover all those WMD’s in Iraq. Oops.

KM: I too hated this band until a little coked up indie chick that looked like Natalie Portman made me sit down and actually listen to them. This is continued good stuff from a good band. 

4. White Rabbits
The Plot
Fort Nightly

MV: Wait til the bass kicks in. Then agree with me. I’m right…right?

KM: This usually isn’t my bag but the harmonies are catchy and that kick drum just won’t quit.

5. Girl Talk
Smash Your Head
Night Ripper

KM: Notorious B.I.G. over Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” is a combo that I never thought I would hear. It’s the best thing that Elton John has been involved with since he stopped doing blow. If you are reading this John…..Saturday Nights are STILL alright for fighting in my book.

MV: Aside from a Fallout Boy sample, this song is pretty much a flawless victory (Mortal Kombat what?) in the mashup world. Notorious BIG? Check. James Brown? Check. Elton John? The Pharcyde? Nirvana? Public Enemy? Fuckin’ check.

6. Galactic
All Behind You Now
Ruckus

KM: Not Techno. Not Rap. Not Blues. All Behind You Now off of the Ruckus album doesn’t land in any specific category. But who can argue with it’s Fast paced beats and soul filled vocals. It’s super fun for your ears.

MV: The hard-ass keys line in this song makes it a funky must have for any super fun dance party. Plus, not many hipster kids listen to Galactic, so maybe you’ll score some scene points for playing some shit they don’t know.

7. T.I.
Whatever You Like
Paper Trail

KM: The soundtrack for doing hood rat stuff with friends.

MV: I don’t know anyone that doesn’t like this song. Plus, if you get caught doin’ hood rat things with your friends, the maximum punishment is no video games for a weekend, so go on and hood it up.

8. Cool Kids
A Lil Bit Cooler
The Bake Sale EP

KM: I drank fine champagnes with Chuck Inglish in Denver after a show once, really an awesome dude. Plus ever since the release of The Five Boroughs the public has needed a new version of the Beastie Boys.

MV: The self proclaimed black Beastie Boys are…well…just that. And this song makes me feel cooler than you, so suck ten.

9. Curtis Mayfield
Pusherman
Superfly Soundtrack

KM: This tune reminds people its time for the next drink, bump, hit, or pick-me-up. While it’s playing, don’t be surprised if a lot of people excuse themselves to “powder their noses” or call their “guy”.

MV: Dude taught himself to play guitar, sang mostly about cocaine and mostly in falsetto. Now that’s a hard motherfucker.

10. Jay-Z ft. Lil’ Wayne (Remixed by F for Union Beats)
Hello Brooklyn 2.0
Blue Magic Remixes

KM: I love the original track but this remixed beat adds a whole new element. You can really hear Lil’ Weezy giving it his all. Poor little guy; sounds like he is struggling to poop. He raps real good though this time. Why come you talk like that Lil’ Wayne?

MV: Jay Z is the only man who I’d be comfortable with dating my mom.

11. Raphael Saadiq
100 Yard Dash
The Way I See It

KM: Stax is putting out Nikka Costa records. Mowtown is bullshit. Otis is dead. What’s left? Saadiq. This song is a call back to the hey day of R&B. Bangarang.

MV: It’s as if Raphael Saadiq remembered that the 70s were the best, then went into the studio and made a record about how the 70s were the best. Tight. 

12. The Knux
Bang! Bang!
Remind Me In 3 Days

KM: When rap is done with real instruments, its real-rad-rap. lolz

MV: New Orleans’ answer to Chicago’s Cool Kids. Krispy and Rah just put out their debut record which is fun as hell, but this is by far the best track from the disc. They also play all the instruments on their tracks, which leads to an argument as to who actually is the black version of the Beasties. You decide.

 

Check out Kelly’s blog here: http://kellyspeakstheword.blogspot.com

That’s it for this month’s installation of the super fun party mixtape. See you next month for more block bangers.

the sizzler

so yesterday I went to lunch with my bosses justin + jeff, and another co-worker ben. we heard there’s a great deal. $7.99 gets you 1 trip to the salad bar, a small steak, fries, and a soda. not bad. the catch: it’s at the sizzler. we’re suckers for some cheap lunch, so we went.

we ate our meal with a jolly fervor. we discussed work, politics, the economy, and different movies we love and hate. we laughed, we cried, we drank diet pepsi. the steaks were tiny, the salad bar was formidable, and the table service was interesting. that’s right. interesting. our server was a very very sad older mexican woman who hated the sizzler, her life, and us (see: white america) apparently. 

but this is all besides the point. the point is: do not go to sizzler. after eating, we sat around for another twenty minutes, shooting the shit and delaying going back to the office. by minute 15 we all had a weird look on our faces. the food had settled in our stomachs, and our stomachs were pissed. 

at that moment, i realized that going to the sizzler for lunch is much like a one night stand with an ugly girl. you’re so blinded by your desire for some release (ahem) that you let most things (things that would normally be red flags) slide. but by the time it’s all over…a strong sense of regret pours over you. i felt like i had to sneak out of the place without anyone noticing and go home and take a shower. we went back to work a group of ashamed and beaten men, never to brave the sizzler again.

nice jacket, man

Last night I stopped at the convenience store near my friend’s place to pick up a six pack to split with said friends. I’m in the aisle, making a decision about what kind of beer I want. For me, when purchasing a beverage, there’s one argument going on in my head: cheap vs. tastes/flavors. See, I like my money, so I don’t like to waste it on alcohol. At the same time, if I’m going to have a beer to unwind at the end of the day, I certainly don’t want it to taste like donkey piss. I ended up with Modelo, a classy split down the middle. 

Anyways, I’m choosing the beer, and a man comes up behind me and says something I couldn’t understand. I go “huh?” and he repeats himself: “Nice jacket man.” He’s also wearing some odd grin which I overlook and say “cool, thanks” and squeeze past him to the cashier to purchase my goods. The purchasing goes off without a hitch and I leave the store, get in my car, start her up, start to turn around to exit the premises when the same dude walks out of the convenience store waving his arm at me.

I stop and roll down my window just enough for him to stick the barrel of his gun in the window. Luckily he doesn’t have a gun though and he just says “Hey man, I’m out on the streets tonight can you help me out?” Breathing a sigh of relief that I didn’t just have another close encounter with a crazy man and a weapon, I go to hand over some change when he says “Actually I could really use a jacket more than change.”

Whoa, what? Did you just try to upsell me to my thirty dollar hoodie instead of the $2 in change? I admire your candor, sir, but nay I say. “Sorry man, my moms got this for me a while ago. No can do.” So he takes the change, and then says “Take care of your family, man. They’re most important.” 

That gets me thinking, hey he’s right. He’s just a dude with bad luck who ended up with nothing in this world, the least I could do is give him this jacket in my trunk to keep him warm in the winter (LA winter, but still it gets chilly at night). It is the holiday season, after all. So my sympathies are growing, and then he keeps talking. “I’m trying to get back to mine right now.” He holds up a can of malt liquor in a paper bag. “But I’m an alcoholic, you know.” 

That’s when I got angry. What the hell is this guy doing? Why is he spending what little money he has on booze and then coming to me asking for a jacket and telling me to take care of MY family? Dude has a family, presumably a wife and kid, and all he can do is show me a can of beer and say “hey, i’m an alcoholic, what can I do?” 

I threw my car in drive and said “Get your shit together man. Use my money to buy food. Go to an AA meeting, there’s a church on the corner that does them on Tuesday nights. Be well.” Then I drove away.

You might be thinking why do I know there’s a church with an AA meeting? There’s a damn sign in front, one that this dude has probably passed many times. Let’s hope he goes.

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwdonthavesex

I haven’t posted anything in a while, but until our main site gets up and going, this will be my place for musings.

I logged onto my myspace today. Mistake number one. I keep my myspace because it’s an easy way to keep in touch with all the bands and fans I met on tour and from the east coast over the past 5 years. On top of that, I’m also secretly a 16 year old girl. 

Speaking of demon seed Spears-to-be’s, I browsed the “bulletin” section of my friends latest posts. One caught my eye (in a what the FUCK kind of way) in particular. A post from the daughter of my brother’s girlfriend. Off the internet, a bright kid. She works hard in school, is witty, and generally knows when other people are full of shit (aka always). So to see a post appear from her titled “ewdonthavesex” was intriguing. On the internet she somehow manages to turn a miniature scandal waiting to happen. I’m not the internet police but god damn did I plan on telling her mom. 

So I opened the bulletin. What the fuck could this possibly be about? Why is it being written on a public forum with tons of little 15-17 year old dumbkids reading, giggling, and eventually trying to make out with my “niece” (for lack of a better term)? Fuck that. Here it is, in it’s entirety, edited only for space concerns.

 

subject: “ewdonthavesex”

body:

“GO DOWN!​​ ​ ​ ​ ​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​ ​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​ ​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​ ​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​​!​​​​​ “

(insert about 50 taps on the “enter” key, because THATs how you build suspense on the web)

“DONT STOP OR ELSE SUMTH​IN BAD WILL HAPPE​N .​​​​​​.​​​​​​.​​​​​​.​​​​​​.​”

(100 more enters…)

“KEEP GOIN………….”

(75 more enters…)

“MY NAME IS VANES​SA VILLA​

I AM 15 YEARS​ OLD

WITH MASSI​VE LICE AND A TIGHT​ PURPL​E SWEAT​ER.​”

(25 more enters…)

“I HAVE NO SKIN ON MY FACE AND I AM BLEED​ING PROFU​SELY.​”

(10 more enters…)

“I HAVE NO LEFT FOOT OR EARS.​”

(20 more enters…)

“I AM DEAD.”

(20 more enters…)

“IF U DO NOT REPOS​T THIS IN THE NEXT 5 MIN.”

(20 more enters..)

“I WILL APPEA​R TONIG​HT BY YOUR BED

WITH A CAN OPENE​R AND I WILL KILL YOU
THIS IS NO JOKE
SOMET​HING GOOD WiLL HAPPE​N TO U TONiG​HT AT 1:​​​29.​”

(20 more enters…)

“SOMEO​NE WiLL CALL U OR TALK TO U ON THE iNTER​NET

REPOS​T THiS WiTH THE TiTLE​:​​​​​​
EWWWW​WWWWW​WWWWW​WWWWW​WWWWW​WWWWW​WWWWW​WWWW DONT HAVE SEX”
and end of bulletin. 

Where to start? The beginning I suppose.

Fuck you. There’s nothing suspense building about pressing the enter key repeatedly, making me scroll down. Guess what, I’m no moron, I have a mac with a fancy touch pad and I can scroll faster than you can get an acne outbreak. Even when I owned a PC I had one of those sweet mice with a tracking ball in the middle of it. I’m no chump.

So, I scrolled. “Don’t stop or sumthin bad will happen.” Huh? Why do we immediately jump to threatening our readers? I’m reading your horseshit bulletin, am I not? Why are you pissed? Now I’m pissed. On top of that, the obvious spelling error just made me cringe again and it’s the 10th time I’ve read this. But I’ve given up on trying to teach today’s youth anything about proper spelling or typing with dignity. The simple fact that it’s the internet and not a face to face conversation does not make it okay to talk like a streetwalking lady of the night (with four teeth, 3 breasts, and a penchant for reach arounds) that logs onto her myspace every day from the county library.

Cool. So I keep going as the bulletin urges, and what do I find? The writer of this bulletin has revealed themselves! Vanessa Villa, you fifteen year old shithead. Why announce that you have massive lice? This is the reason god created the internet, so we don’t have to see your weirdo face and hair problems. Purple sweater? Fine, just don’t get your bughead anywhere near me. And besides, can lice be “massive”? Did you mean “I have a fucked up case of head lice, can’t leave my plastic coated room and my moms sprays pesticides at me every night through a small gun port on the door”? 

I had to keep going, I wanted to know why this fucking girl has taken over my niece’s myspace and why she’s posting inane bulletins instead of sitting knee deep in pesticides and/or being used as a target at the LA Gun Club. Then it gets weird. No skin on the face? Bleeding profusely? How the fuck did you manage to get this far with no skin and leaking bloody deposits all over the keys? More importantly how do you spell “profusely” correctly and manage to misspell “something”?

It goes on to reveal that in addition, the little mini broad has no left foot and no ears. So let me get this straight. Every morning, your bloody, licey, stupid face wakes up, falls out of bed (because you have one foot and your balance is all stupidhouse), crawls to your computer through a small river of pesticides your parents run through your room, and write myspace bulletins designed to frightened other young girls away from ending up in your situation? I guess that’s kind of noble. Maybe there’s a moral to this story, an ending I can get behind. 

So I scroll, superfast like always, and find out this chick is dead. Well what the fuck. That little nugget of truth could’ve been bestowed upon me much earlier in this whole fiasco. I’m not going to waste my time on your dead ass. You’ve clearly got no message, nothing to pass on to the living or else you’d be haunting some real shit, not just the internet. Seen it, and now I’m bored with your dead ass.

But something tells me to keep going, to finish what I started like my father taught me to. Scrolling further, I realize dead girl wants me to repost her story in the next five minutes, to warn others. But I can’t figure out why. What’s the moral? What sort of bubonic plague did she fall because of? Who bought her the purple sweater? Even for a dead girl that’s kind of tacky.

And then we end up back with the threats. Can opener? Despite the highly unlikeliness of you teleporting your dead ass to my bedside, wouldn’t you want to bring some heavier artillery? A can opener is about as good as a blunt object, but way too small and honestly I’m laughing if I see your dead blood covered ass trying to open my head with a can opener. 

As it turns out, this is no joke. Something good’s going to happen to me tonight at 1:29. That’s fair because every night at 1:25 I go to Hoover St, pick up a mexican hooker who may or may not have man parts, and bring it back to my place for some serious heavy breathing.  By 1:29, I’m popping. It hits 1:30 and I’m sending Henry-etta back on its way. But you, Vanessa, you still haven’t made any sense or any kind of point. 

But then I realized there was more scrolling to do. When I finally reach the bottom, the threat is realized: Someone will call me or talk to me on the internet.

Fuck.

So if I don’t repost this bulletin, you’re saying that someone, an actual person, might try to contact me? 

Ewwwwwwwww.

The internet is slowly chipping away at any semblance of thought that is left in our youth. Why would my niece post this? Does she legitimately fear a dead licey girl with a can opener? 

Don’t have sex. I get it now. Whoever wrote the bulletin is doing social commentary! Don’t have sex, because if you have kids, they will definitely have the internet. Not only will that fuck them up for life, it’ll completely ruin my life. I simply don’t have the manpower to work full time and browse the internet all day to make sure my kid isn’t becoming a dumb internet asshole.

No sex. No kids. Thanks Vanessa Villa…bullet dodged.

sudden fiction

he’s a dictionary masturbator
his words come hot and fast
his mind at half-mast
he steps up to the podium
he speaks
they listen
he doesn’t
he dispenses his wisdom
like a doctor’s prescription
waiting on the arrival of god
for vindication
his beliefs as thin as a wafer

he’s a two fisted gun toting
disciple of his own making
he’s the master of OM
a stroker of mantra
sending forth a bouquet of words
no one but he can understand
wanting to leave the audience
like a bitch in heat
mind bending words stretching
tight like a noose worn around
the neck of a condemned man